Adam Fell
by kaut
Summary: Hard to explain this one. A back dated character piece. Genesis, Paradise Lost and Gil Grissom.


**Adam Fell**

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own CSI. We won't go into what would go on if I did.

**A/N: **I'm still working on the other one, but while working on it, this came to me and at this time, seemed so much easier to write.  
Story references Milton's, _Paradise Lost, _and _The Holy Bible_.

_**Adam Fell**_

**Part I - The Garden of Eden**

_And the Lord planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed._

_- Genesis 2:8_

The garden he lives in is a dry garden, barren with only a few forms of life, those species that have learned to adapt and survive in the harsh landscape. The people within it had adapted too, many losing their moral compass to the ideology the garden was created upon. The life of the garden is the city, a modern likeness of Sodom and of Gomorrah, a city which sprung to life after the fall…way after the fall. At the heart of the garden is a narrow strip of land: the embodiment of sin. The moral men wandering the garden see it as the Devil's garden, the far end of the spectrum, away from the pure, as far from God's garden as was theoretically possible. However, those two gardens shared one common element: temptation.

It takes a great deal of strength and fortitude to live a moral life within the walls of the desert garden. Though he hadn't lived there long, he saw the garden for what it was and carefully worked to guard his self from it. To combat the happenings outside, Gil Grissom carefully constructed his own walls. He built them up, brick by brick, shielding him from the temptations of the amoral city. He already knew of good and evil; Adam sampled that fruit long ago. It was now a choice between pursuing good or pursuing evil. The choice people often made was to pursue the evil, though they didn't think of it as that. They chose to partake in the city's ideology, not questioning the ethical questions that would arise. However, the choice was individual, and not all people chose to follow the well beaten path of their predecessors. The choice was Grissom's and he chose to pursue a life of purity, of ethics, of value. He chose to search for truth, and to use his knowledge to help combat the evil that lay within the walls of the city.

Adam and Eve's fall to sin led to their banishment from the garden. It was a lesson he'd heard many times as a boy. It was discussed in sermon and in catechism. It was a lesson that stayed with him for the remainder of his life. He knew what happened when man fell into sin. However, it was not fear of being cast from the garden that added to his resolve to maintain the moral life. No, the greater punishment would be to live on in the garden of iniquity, be sucked into its life. Those who fall just keep falling, and if he let his guard down, the tempation surrounding his walls would eventually topple them. There was no going back. It isn't possible to undo an unjust act. So, he continued to protect himself, fortifying the walls little by little until they were nearly impenetrable.

Outside the walls of his self created monastery the sins of the day lived on: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy and pride. The tempation was there. It was always there, calling out to him, though often he did not hear, and when he did, refused to answer. He'd seen far too much to even consider answering the call. Each day, every day, he saw the sorrow, the grief and the anger that came when man succumbed to those sins. Each case he worked on served as a warning. If he protected himself, shielded himself, he would be safe from the garden. He could not be known and he could not be hurt.

The beauty of his being was that it was not hard to be the righteous man. Somewhere in his life, he'd become it without having to think about it anymore. Though he didn't know it, he just was. He was the monk whose life superceded the pleasures given off by succumbing to tempation. Those things that tempted others, simply did not tempt him. He could live in the city and not fear succumbing to temptation. There were minor temptations, easily cast off or given into, depending on the consequences. It was easy, but only because he had yet to come across any great or overwhelming temptation. He had yet to encounter anything that could lead him to fall.

* * *

**Part II – Adam's Rib**

_And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;  
__And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man._

_- Genesis 2:21-22_

Gil Grissom had been with many women. Though a shadow of a man growing up, he came into full blossom in college and women began to notice him. He noticed them too. He enjoyed them, enjoyed their outlook, enjoyed the unique perspectives they brought to any discussion. He liked to flirt with them, occasionally date them, bed them when he felt he'd shared a connection with one of them. He'd momentarily lost his balance with a few of them. A couple of times, he'd even thought he'd fallen in love with one or two of them.

Women were good companions. The ones that paid attention to him flattered him, made him feel good about himself in a way that only the attention of a beautiful woman could. They boosted his ego, helped him to lose some of the awkwardness that had been so much a part of him growing up. Women were also necessary, biologically so, though he hadn't pictured taking part in reproduction with any of the women he'd met. Let other men replenish the population. His life had a different purpose, and while he enjoyed women, he had built his life on something else. Women became distractions, good and bad, vying for his attention, taking him from his work, yet helping him to cope with what he saw on a daily basis. They offered him pleasure, and, selfishly, he allowed himself to take it, giving little of himself in return. He had been serious about a couple of them, but, never serious enough to consider building his life around either of them. His life was his work. His life was science. His life was the pursuit of truth.

Long ago he had wondered if he'd ever find a companion that would understand him for who he was, that would become an extension of who he was, his rib, so to speak. It was a ludicrous thought, to be sure, since he could never be with a woman who would ever give up that much of her self to be with him. He had too much respect for women. Harmony between the two sexes was laughable. Yin and Yang was only a concept. Soul mates were merely a dream. A woman independent, yet a part of him, did not exist. The closest he'd ever hope to find was a woman who understood, and that search had come up heart-achingly empty. So, he decided to flirt casually, date casually, and not get caught up in the quest for love or acceptance.

For years, his decision worked well for him. He cultivated a life, built on science and on truth. His life was fulfilling. His work was fulfilling. He was content. And then, he met Sara Sidle, young, beautiful, intelligent, challenging, inquisitive… She was Eve. She alone possessed the ability to lead him into the unknown. One glance at her, one thought over the insightful question she posed, one glimpse into the woman she was, and he could see himself falling.

* * *

**Part III – The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil**

_And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:  
__But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die._

_- Genesis 2:16-17_

There is an expression, an old adage, a proverb, but really a cliché if you will. It comes from the Bible, has transitioned into our common language, and has been passed down through generations, changing only slightly with time, shortening in content, though the idea remained the same, _Money is the root of all evil. _The supposed orator of that quote is Jesus Christ, but that is inaccurate. It was not Jesus, but Paul who spoke to Timothy, telling him, _The love of money is the root of all evil. _It wasPaul, the one apostle to never meet Jesus in human form, converting into Christianity after witnessing a vision of the resurrected Christ, Paul, arguably the greatest apostle of them all, Paul, who uttered the words many have attributed to Christ himself. But, thought Gilbert Grissom, Paul was wrong. While money might be the tangible element by which to blame for the root of evil, and the love of money might be the construct, neither money nor the love of money were the root cause of evil. Just as the quote was misattributed to Christ, so lay the blame for evil. No, that distinction belonged solely to temptation. It was temptation that led Eve to bite from the forbidden fruit. And, it was only inevitable that Adam would follow, as Adam's greatest temptation was Eve herself. Adam and Eve didn't fall into sin, they fell into temptation. Sin was the by-product. It was temptation that Gil Grissom had guarded his self against. Sara Sidle was temptation personified.

Giving in to any other woman was different from giving into Sara. She was the forbidden fruit. While he knew it wouldn't cast sin into the world, or into the garden (it was already running rampant with sin), it would profoundly change things. Coupling with her would mean so much more than merely engaging in the act of sex, or even the act of making love. His connection to her was so intense and so spiritual, it had the power to overtake him. It would awaken something within him, open him up, release him. The idea was frightening and extreme and exciting all at the same time. She was the tree of knowledge, in so many ways. The analogy of the two was so blatant and so immense and so obvious. She really was a tree of knowledge, like he was, but it wasn't the knowledge she possessed that he feared; it was the knowledge that would be awakened within him. The part of him that he'd closed off so long ago, would be reopened. She would own his soul and he would cease to be. The man he knew himself to be would no longer exist.

Sara was a magnet, drawing him in. She was temptation. She was so hard to resist. He thought he could get by, by taking crumbs from her and feeding off her presence alone. It wasn't enough, and yet, still he denied himself. He learned to live with the longing that rose up in his belly whenever he saw her. He learned to endure the pain in his heart when he told himself that it was too dangerous to give himself over to her. In denying himself, a part of him slowly began to die. And, he had to watch as pieces of her self began dying as well. Still, it was safer, because the parts of his being that were dying, were parts that he'd been able to close off long before, and while a part of Sara was dying, he had no doubt that the alternative, the giving of his self to her, would completely kill her.

For years, he was able to bear the pain of loving from afar. He was able to bear the yearning. Daily he reminded himself of why it could never be. Ironically, it was his own words that reminded him, words that Sara responded to when she first arrived in the garden. _Norman fell._ When he had invited her, he had been able to picture a life with her, but _Norman fell_, Ted Salinger fell into temptation and greed and sin, and was pushed to his death. Ted Salinger's surrender into his greatest temptation, greed, served to remind Grissom of his own vow to not succumb to his own greatest temptation. Yielding into the temptation that was Sara Sidle, would surely topple him.

It was always there, though, the powerfully magnetic attraction between the two of them. She understood him, even understood his reasons for staying away. She let him go, released him, knowing that it was what he wanted. The were so alike, yet different, separate, yet connected…bonded…harmonious. Yin and Yang. It hit him suddenly, the force of the insight nearly knocking him over and stealing the breath from his body. He could no longer deny himself what was right in front of him. He had to sample the fruit he'd been craving for so long, because he'd found the one thing that could fill him, make him completely whole. Sure, it could end up destroying him, but temptation finally won over. Norman fell; Adam fell; and, seven years after meeting Sara Sidle, so did Gil Grissom.

* * *

**Part IV – Paradise Within**

_The world was all before them, where to choose  
Their place of rest, and Providence their guide:  
They, hand in hand, with wandering steps and slow,  
Through Eden took their solitary way._

_-_ John Milton_, Paradise Lost_

Adam blamed Eve for the fall into sin. Almost any other man would have laid the same blame. Gil Grissom did not. Adam was weak. Eve said to Adam, bite the Apple, and knowing he didn't want to live a life without her, he bit the apple without a second glance…and then he blamed Eve. While Gil Grissom too could blame Sara for his fall, he would not. The fault was his own. Sure, Sara had asked him to sample the forbidden fruit, had asked him to trust her, but she never pressed. She'd asked only once, and, showing the strength Adam could not, he denied her. Still, the question had lingered, the temptation had lingered, and when he finally succumbed and tasted the fruit, he had no one but himself to blame. He was the cause of his own fall.

Not that he wanted to lay blame. While it was scary at first, he knew that falling into Sara was one of the greatest things he'd ever allowed himself to do. What a fall it was. It was the sweetest fall. He fell, blissfully, into a new life…the most fortunate fall. The joining of their two bodies consolidated the union of their souls. He was shown paradise. Even within the depraved garden, he found that paradise could exist. He fell in love. The understanding, the connection, he thought he'd never find, he found with her. He found himself thinking he could build a life with her. She was his ultimate truth. It was terrifying, the entirety that she had awakened within him, but he couldn't go back. His only choice was to move forward, holding onto what he'd been given, with all the strength he had.

It astounded him all she could offer and all he could take from her. He was completely lost in her, and for the first time, it was okay. She gave without asking and she wouldn't take it away. Somehow he knew she'd never take it from him, that it would always be there if he chose to seek it out. His fall had filled his life, given him happiness when before there had only been contentment. It strengthened him, gave life to all the pieces he'd thought dead. She was not sin, but the renewal from sin. She was still temptation, but the most satisfying kind, dangerous, addictive, and all encompassing. Being with her wasn't sinful. It was the absence of sin. It could never be wrong or sinful to share what they had; it was too powerful and too…right. And, it wouldn't lead to the submission into other forms of temptation. Instead, it helped him battle them, because he didn't need them. He had Sara, he had his vocation, and the two weaved together to give meaning to his life. It was all he needed. He could look at Sara and surrender to her. It was alright. It was better than alright. It was meant to be. He didn't have to look back. He could yield to the temptation and fall, over and over again. Hand in hand, they'd fall together.

Fin


End file.
